When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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