i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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