I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
