Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
