at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
not ubering you a puppy
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize