Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
