My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
