I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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