Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
