I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
