There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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