My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
