you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
