matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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