saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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