I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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