You're my little dorito
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
