I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
