just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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