He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
