i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
