if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize