i think my tv is drunk
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
