a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
