Already got asked if we're dating
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize