That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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