**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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