I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
