He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
