I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
