I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
