if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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