You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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