The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
