Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
