I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize