I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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