apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
