I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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