i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
