you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
