Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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