Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize