i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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