Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
People in love make me want to vomit
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Who died my cat blue again?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize