apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
