god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You work out of a Hotel?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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