Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
