I'm going to jail i love you
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
