So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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