hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
