The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
