Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
