if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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