So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
