you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you traded sex for a burrito?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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